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Category Archives: The Child

jan 27 009

It’s been one week since I left PA and Hayley. It hasn’t been as bad as I thought. Not to say it’s been a breeze. Home doesn’t feel like home and when I go to do something I automatically think of how to include Hayley. But I’m ok.. its a change that will take time to get used to and I’m starting to enjoy my time. I’m also enjoying hearing about college from her and hearing her be excited. I feel like a mama bird who’s baby has left the nest. Where her wings take her I don’t know yet.. but they are strong and will support her. She will come back to the nest here and there and I’ll welcome here with open arms.. or since I’m in bird speak at the moment.. open wings. We are both ready for this flight of discovery.. and I am grateful for it.

~ peace~

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july20 158

The time has come for Hayley to leave for college. Literally. We are leaving tonight to drive to Pennsylvania where she will be starting her new life as a first year college student. I wanted to call this post “Farewell” but I decided to try to make it on a more positive note. New beginnings is just as true.

Both her and I are having new beginnings. I type that with bittersweet tears in my eyes. My beautiful daughter who I’ve raised on my own for the last 17 years is going to no longer be the focus of my life. I now have to be the focus of my life and I’m not sure I can figure out how to do that. She has always been the heart of my home. Even when she would go away for a day or two home just didn’t feel like home. I’m scared of coming home from this trip. My home, which is her, will not be here to greet me. Hayley has always been my compass when I’m lost and the star in the darkness that lights my way. We have been thru alot and thru it all she has always been my constant. Now that constant will be no longer be here. Normalcy as I’ve known it will no longer exist and it scares the shit out of me.

While a huge part of me feels the immense loss I also know what a huge achievement my daughter has made. She worked her tail off her senior year in high school to get to where she is and I can’t even describe how proud of her I am. Yes, I’m feeling a loss but at the same time and here is where the bittersweet part comes in, I feel so excited for her. My 18 year old girl who can still sleep in the frog like position she did when she was just a baby has the drive and the courage to strive for what she wants and she’s not afraid to work for it and appreciates it all the while.

I now have to learn how to live with out having to take care of a child. No longer will I have  schedule that revolves around her. Again.. it makes me sad but I also have to think ,wow, I can come and go as I want. Do things I wasn’t able to do before. Sleep in, stay up late, run around the house naked.. well.. maybe not that. I wouldn’t want to scare the dogs. What I need to do is keep in mind that there are positive aspects of this new beginning for myself and that is why I need to remember that this is a new beginning.. not farewells to what I’ve known. It’s just a curve in the journey and it’s a curve I’ve not had yet so it may take a while to find the straight part of the road again but I will and it will take on a new look and it will take me to places I wasn’t expecting just like it did 18 years ago when another life changing curve happened and that turned out to be the best thing in my life.

The tears are starting to stream now but it’s a good mix of emotions as I’m looking forward to driving down there tonight. We are leaving around      10:00 pm and should get there by 7:00 in the morning. We will stay until Thursday afternoon and that my friends will probably be the last time I will see Hayley till Thanksgiving. I know for the first few weeks while I’m back home it will be hard and I may end up not being pleasant to be around at times but a friend told me it is a grieving process and you’ve just got to let it happen. So I will.. and I also will try to enjoy my new found freedom as well.. however bittersweet it is.

~ peace ~

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Enjoying the summer with my man and my daughter.. the other day Michael and I went to Damariscotta Lake and spent a few hours on the dock enjoying the cooling breezes off the lake. It was wonderful.. it finally feels like summer and I hope to enjoy all of it with the two loves of my life.

~ peace ~